Well, pride month is wrapping up. In the past few years I have used it as an opportunity for growth- to do the scary things when I have the most visible communal support to console me if it doesn’t go well. This year I probably pulled myself along farther than I have before. Did it go well? Not entirely. I’ve lost quite a few connections I will miss, and I’ve been disappointed by some people I admire.
There is a blessing, though, in experiencing something like this. When you come out to someone, you really aren’t asking for much. Not money, not even their time, you’re just asking “will you continue to enjoy my joy with me?”. It’s about the least imposing thing to ask someone. “Can you be exactly as you’ve always been with me?”. It costs nothing. I think that’s why I’m so surprised by the people who say no.
I suppose I get it. My existence makes them ask questions about themselves they don’t want to answer. It makes them have to think about things they don’t want to think about. I’m sort of a wrench into the works of a universe they’d like to believe is more ordered than it is.. and that scares the hell out of people, particularly when they realize I’m both serious and quite sane (as sane as I’ve ever been anyway). I’m still the person with university-polished prose and perhaps a bit too much eastern philosophy; I’m still the person in relatively successful leadership roles, I’m still a dedicated parent and spouse. I would hope it’s hard to disregard me and distance me as simply crazy, though several people have.
The blessing, though, is that on the other side you see who was always there to enjoy your joy with you. You get to clearly see the people who will take a chance with you because they truly want to see your happiness, and what is the cost for most, really.. pronouns and a different name?
I’m sad at the people who have parted ways, but I am deeply appreciative of who remains- and I’m very happy to be able to start just living life again. Who I am has literally always been a part of me. It’s always been there in every interaction anyone has ever had with me. All I did was put down a great weight I could no longer carry. I’m not a new person, I’m just me without a crushing weight on my back and without a heart full of fear. If people can’t be happy about that, well.. I hope they find happiness somewhere else.
Above all if there’s something in your life you’re afraid to let shine because of what people may think.. big or small.. consider just letting that go. Be cringey in a harsh world. Cringey people are real people. If people can’t walk with you and share your joy, why carry them with you?
Anyway I promise I won’t bore you all with frequent navel gazing posts like this, but I felt the need to mourn the loss of 20 or 30 people I thought were friends, and celebrate how many of those I cherish are still here.
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